Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dental Dilemmas

I survived another trip to the dentist.

They said what I wanted to hear: "Nice teeth, no problems, see you next time." So I paid my money and left. Just like that.

There are some people who say I'm afraid of the dentist. It isn't true. I have a complete phobia regarding the dentist. That's different.

And actually, the dentist is kinda nice, so it isn't the dentist I have a problem with -- it's drills.

Drills make holes. Holes in teeth are bad. Ergo, drills and teeth together are bad. It's my life's goal to die with all the teeth in my mouth. It really doesn't matter if the dentist is trying to help me with that - the irrational part of me is having none of it. That's why it's called irrational.

Let's examine:
  1. I don't like high vibrations anywhere near me, especially near the head; drills do that
  2. As a child, I read the book Superfudge in which the kid gets his front teeth knocked out; that made an impression on me
  3. As a child, I got hit in the teeth on two separate occasions: once by a door, once by a baseball, that slightly loosened my teeth
  4. My father warned me that if I didn't take care of my teeth they would fall out of my head; bad imagery
  5. Dental pics and aggressive flossing hurt when they are applied carelessly and poke tender gums; hey, can you buy a guy a drink before you go all the way with that?
  6. Dental X-rays hurt because the film edges poke me in all the wrong places in my mouth
  7. I don't react well to sedatives and similar medications; I don't deal well with not being able to control my body
  8. I have a very vivid imagination which assails me when the dentist is trying to fill cavities because I know too much
  9. The polish the hygienist uses always leaves sand in my mouth which takes multiple rinses to get out
  10. Dental insurance programs are universally crappy
  11. Dentists are just a little too happy to find "interesting" things in your mouth -- and it'll cost you.
So, sure I love the dentist -- just keep your medieval torture implements, syringes of happy juice, and leering grin to yourself.


Unknown said...

I love Dentists. They make my teeth nice and clean.

Nod said...

So do lemons, but those of us with enamel are wary.


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