Political Babelfish

Politicians are funny animals; they look and act like ordinary humans, but sometimes the things they say are simply incomprehensible to the rest of the species. This has led many to believe that they are not the same species at all, and therefore we are in need of a Babel Fish to translate. Detractors, however, maintain that politicians are not a separate species, but rather a pack of lying weasels that give packs of lying weasels a bad name.

The Babel Fish is small, yellow, and simultaneously translates from one spoken language to another.

When inserted into the ear, its nutrition processes convert sound waves into brain waves, neatly crossing the language divide between any species you should happen to meet whilst travelling in space.

Thus, enter the political babel fish to translate what you think you heard into what was actually meant.

In a surprise move today, RINO Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter announced that he would be switching parties from the Republicans to the Democrats, after announcing that he would never do that in a March 17th interview with The Hill.

Specter: I am staying a Republican because I think I have an important role, a more important role, to play there. The United States very desperately needs a two-party system.

Translation: I think this will play well in Peoria; too bad I'm a Senator in Pennsylvania.

Specter: "Last year, more than 200,000 Republicans in Pennsylvania changed their registration to become Democrats."

Translation: I'm a political whore.

Specter: "I now find my political philosophy more in line with Democrats than Republicans."

Translation: "I've been informed by my pollster that it would be impossible for me to be reelected in Pennsylvania as a Republican because I could not win the primary; and I could not get elected as an independent, and so I've decided to become a Democrat."

[Washington Post] Specter will receive his seniority among Democrats as if he had been elected as a Democrat in 1980, when he rode into office on the coattails of Ronald Reagan's conservative revolution. That effectively means Specter will become chairman of a key subcommittee on the Appropriations Committee, probably the one overseeing the departments of Labor and Health and Human Services.

Specter: "I will not be an automatic 60th vote."

Translation: "I'd like to become full appropriations committee chairman in six to 10 years; that is something I'd like to attain."

Sen. Arlen Specter's decision to switch parties will make it easier for Democrats to move forward with their agenda, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said Tuesday.

Pelosi: "This is very exciting, very exciting for the American people, because now we can get things done without explaining process."

Translation: WOO-WOO! You hear that sound? That's a train a-comin'! You 'bout to get railroaded!!

[Washington Post] Other moderate Republicans acknowledged they, too, have been approached about changing parties. Sen. Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, the Maine Republicans who along with Specter provided the three pivotal votes for Obama's $787 billion stimulus legislation, both said today they have been approached. Neither would comment about how recent the overtures were, although Collins said she has been asked roughly four times during her 12 years in the Senate to consider becoming a Democrat.

Collins: "It's something I would never do."

Translation: "I'd like to get a committee chairmanship too, in exchange for switching."

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), a prominent conservative who was John McCain's staunchest supporter in his 2008 GOP presidential campaign, warned that the party has become regionalized in its mentality. "We have to find places in the party for people who couldn't win in South Carolina," he told reporters.

Translation: "I may have a little cry."

[Washington Post] Texas Sen. John Cornyn, head of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, said in a statement that the GOP would seek to make the 2010 election a referendum on whether voters wanted Democrats to have unchecked control of Congress.

Cornyn: "While this presents a short-term disappointment, voters next year will have a clear choice to cast their ballots for a potentially unbridled Democrat super-majority versus the system of checks-and-balances that Americans deserve."

Translation: "We have no strategy."