This was an irritating moment which I just want to get off my chest so I can forget about it.
A certain lady offered some "fraternal correction meant in a loving way" to my wife after Mass today. Her advice ran along these lines:
"Your kids were terrible in Mass today [they weren't], so you should have taken them out. Since I have 5 kids the same as you [not the same], and my kids were never that misbehaved in Mass [oh, really?], therefore you should listen to what I say. Oh, and your friend was no help either." [thanks for nothing]First of all, that lady is lucky I didn't hear what she said or she would have gotten some less-than-fraternal correction from me. My wife, being infinitely more gracious, merely thanked her and walked away.
Second, I didn't see that lady's 5 perfect kids with her in Mass today.
Third, we sit in the unofficial Kid Row in the back of our Church; it is well known for having half a hundred small children in various states of behavior who sit there and nursing mothers who need to head to the bathroom to change diapers at a moments notice. The crying room is useless for the number of families with small children in our parish; it would be more appropriate for the persons without small children to sit there given its size.
Fourth, our pastor has specifically stated that he desires that the children remain in the Church with their families and he doesn't care if they make noise (other people might, but he doesn't). Let the little children come to me, and all that.
Fifth, and finally the point: if you are going to offer "fraternal" correction to someone, you had better have a relationship with them before you try it. Otherwise your correction is not going to be kindly received, it is not going to have its intended effect, you may be meddling in circumstances that you have no clue about, and you unknowingly may be dealing a crushing blow to an unsuspecting person.
The scripture verse Titus 2:3-5 is popular among Protestants, in particular for encouraging older women to become mentors to younger women.
- Similarly, older women should be reverent in their behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to drink, teaching what is good, so that they may train younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, chaste, good homemakers, under the control of their husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited.
Someone once said the steps in evangelization are: make a friend, be a friend, bring a friend to Jesus. The same goes for relationships and double for fraternal correction.
4 comments:
As your friend, I take offense! Also, I thought your kids were actually pretty well behaved.
The fact of the matter is, every kid is different and every churchgoer's tolerance for distractions during mass is different.
I try to be respectful to those around me by teaching my children to be quiet and attentive. But as a parent I ask that other parishioners please have a little patience and realize that I'm doing the best I can. Dirty looks and condescending "advice" generally aren't helpful.
I also find it interesting that both your wife and your brother's wife have been confronted after masses about their children's behavior and their supposed mishandling of it.
How come nobody ever approaches the Dads? And yes, that was a rhetorical question.
Thanks Pat, I don't think you were the friend they were talking about.
I don't know why our wives have been "targeted" thus, since our kids act about the same as all the others; we actually get rave reviews from other people in church sometimes.
How come nobody approaches the Dads? Dunno. Maybe it's my hostile vibe. ;-)
I did not respond or try to justify myself to the lady because it would do no good.
This happened once before years ago when we only had two. A man approached us and the small family in front of us. The man in front of us made the mistake of trying to engage in dialogue/disagree with the angry man. All that did was give the angry man a force against which to vent his frustration and anger; and escalated the anger.
That incident took place after one of the many masses in which our then new pastor was adamant in telling the families to keep the children in the church. The pastor stated that he did not care if the child was screaming his head off; the pastor wanted the "little children to come to him."
The lady evidently needed to "share" her frustration. It was -- in one sense -- the path of least resistance to remain polite, not disagree, and walk away. Besides which, she may have realized toward the end that she was out of order. That is when she was justifying "her fraternal correction." -- "I'm a mom of five and I know what it is like."
"Love is patient, love is kind --- it bears all things." We are human and we get on each other's nerves. Let us forgive and move on.
Have a blessed Holy Week.
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