LOTR: How It Should Have Ended

I've been working late for a while now to finish up a project. In the evenings after everyone has gone, it gets really, really quiet and a bit dark. I'll be working steadily when I hear a distant "Thoom".

A low, echoing, booming sound that you can feel through the floor. Thoom. Like someone is beating a giant steel drum. Thoom. Thoom. Drums. Drums in the dark.

An ominous sound, and unexplained. Sitting there late in the evening in my dark hole listening to the dull repetitive thumping, it reminds me more than a little of Khazad Dum, the Mines of Moria, from The Lord of the Rings.

A great story, one of my favorites. Of course there are people who feel it should have ended differently and saved everyone the trouble.

Like this:

Not Dead Yet

I'm not dead yet, just working some loooong hours. Yeesh, I'm tired.

It's All About Me

It's all about me, although I don't want it to be.  I just slogged through the company's performance self-appraisal, where you get to wax eloquent about how great you are.

It's a process that I despise, trying to fit my "real" job into these artificially crafted categories and company goals developed by some corporate wonk that's too far removed from day to day operations to be relevant.

Goals? How about: I wore pants. Everyday.  Everyone's grateful for that one; that's gotta be worth a couple hundred bucks in the old paycheck, yes?

If you don't play the game and fill out the paperwork, you don't get a raise. Period. Talk about leverage. I'm allergic to paperwork and will go miles out of my way to avoid it.  My usual excuse is "I'm an IT geek. I don't actually know how to read."

Several years ago, I developed a system to defend myself against this yearly dread. I simply wrote down in my ledger what I did that day. That way I could refer back to it when it was review time. I've always preferred to let my work speak for itself, so I try to work hard and produce good results. Rather than try to come up with wonderful and vague generalizations about my year, I simply copy stuff from my ledger. I usually get comments from the higher-ups on how detailed my review was and how well I backed up my case.

It's because I'm lazy, believe me.

Now, just to make my life hard, I'm getting calls from the Corporate proposal team, who want to use my resume to win new work for the company. That's how I ended up going back downtown last year. They used my name on the proposal and promised I wouldn't have to be on that contract -- and then bid me as a key individual and were shocked when they won -- and I had to go work it. I've spent the last six months working to find my way back to the office near home. Yo, boss: anybody see a pregnant lady with 5 other kids in my house?!

They can't just use my resume and leave it at that, can they? Oh, no. Now these proposals require that you map your experience to yet another set of arbitrary categories and requirements. Are they going to read my resume and do all that for me? No sir. It falls back in my lap. Would I mind reading these position descriptions and filling in the relevant experience in the highlighted blocks? Yes, as a matter of fact, I would -- it's paperwork. 

Grumble, grumble.

Motivation

So tomorrow it's supposed to rain like the dickens and drop 2"-3" inches of rain all at once during the rush hour, where I'm supposed to sit for multiple hours a day on the Beltway, to go to a far away location that I don't want to be at, to do a job that bores me, while chores and projects pile up at home that aren't getting done, because my pregnant wife doesn't feel well enough to do them, while my kids laze about the house because there is no one to persuade them into helping ... and my motivation for wanting to get up and go to work tomorrow IS????

Unemployment.

Me And Bob Villa

Ok, I already said I was no Bob Villa, but I can't keep from trying to improve a thing or two around the house.

When we built the deck, we didn't bother with a deck gate, although our deck sits 1.5 stories off the ground. My main concern was that small children could fall down a long flight of stairs. So I designed the deck with a series of gradual step downs to prevent a disastrous fall. The top deck features three steps and a walkway that wraps around the front of the deck; another three steps down to a platform deck, and then three wide open wraparound steps to the grass. See? No steep stairs, no falls.


What I didn't plan for was having a child who wanders away at will. Nub has Down Syndrome, but he's only 5 years old, so he's functionally more like a 2 year old. Explaining that we want him to stay on the deck doesn't do much good, unless it was his idea. Of course now that the back yard gates are fixed, a large portion of the danger is taken care of. Still, there are days when you just want the toddlers to stay on the top deck within sight while you take care of things inside.

I've been puzzling over how to build a deck gate for a couple of weeks. The stair opening is wide enough, but the depth of the wraparound stairs is fairly narrow, so there isn't room for a gate that swings outward. We could put an inward swinging gate, except for that big black pole of the gazebo bolted to the deck is in the way.
Then I hit upon the idea of a sliding gate. I tried a couple of prototypes with some scrap lumber, some caster wheels, and a dozen types of brackets. Each approach had some unforeseen "gotcha" that kept me from completing it. Having a sliding gate that needs to be held up at the top and the bottom without hitting the supports is a real challenge.

My epiphany hit when I was gazing at the deck rails. I discovered I could turn them upside down and the railings hung just low enough to hold the top of my deck gate rail in -- making it a guide rail. I then screwed a long 1"x1" guide rail to the deck floor to hold the bottom of the gate from sliding out. I was pretty pleased with my little discovery.

The deck gate itself is a pre-fab deck railing. It sits on the deck surface and slides fairly smoothly without the need for any casters or wheels. Since it is largely the same style as our current deck, it isn't too jarring to look at. Once it is stained along with the rest of the deck, the aesthetics will be complete. Now I just need a handle and a latch and I'm all done.

The hard part, honestly, was the thinking the problem through and not the labor. So while I don't think Bob Villa's job is in any jeopardy, I'm pretty happy with my little gate.

Productivity Or Not

I snuck into my brother's cube when he was away and took this photo. I mean, how many computers does a guy need? Since he's away, we might as well comment:

• This isn't very green, now is it?
  
• This is about the same size as the network I've got to document this week.
• That rolling brownout we had last week? I think we've got our answer ...
• Polar bears everywhere hate you.
• Al Gore would like to talk to you about some carbon offsets.
  
• Despite what you've read, these aren't portable cup holders.
• Having more computers doesn't make you more productive.
• 50 pounds of portability. Not.
• Solitaire isn't any better on six screens.
• It only takes one computer to multitask.
• I'm going to need you to come in on Saturday.

Just having a little fun ... feel free to pile on.

7 Flaws To Avoid In Building A Gate

Bob Villa I'm not. I can swing a hammer and work a drill and not a whole lot else. But I do observe well when I need to. I've been around long enough to know a sub-standard job when I see one.

We recently had a contractor fix our yard gate to keep in the Nodlings (Nub in particular). I was not pleased with the results. We did get them to come back and fix it properly, for which they apologized, but it was aggravating in the interim.

So here's a picture of said gate and a list of 7 Flaws to Avoid When Building a Gate. See how many you can spot (click for larger image).

1. Mix of old and new wood makes structural integrity suspect. Also, this is ugly.

2. The stopper/backer board for the gate is affixed to the mobile gate side, not the locking/stationary side. Therefore, it stops nothing.

3. Old and rusted hardware reused on new gate. No padlock means gate can't be locked.

4. Hardware/cross boards extend beyond edge of stationary gate. Mobile gate cannot close from inside yard.

5. Mix of new and old nails and screws; only screws should be used to hold pickets on rails. The nails will slip out over time because the pickets are so thin.

6. Tight fit between stationary and mobile gate means that any natural expansion or sagging of the gate will prevent it from closing properly.

7. The gate hinges indicate gate opens inward (correct). However, given the position of #2 and #4 this gate was built backwards and in fact, never actually worked.

Your suggestions in the combox, please.

Hang On To Your Hat

It was one of those days. I went on a little roller coaster ride.

I'm working a project with a limited budget and limited time frame. I added up all the materials, hardware, and software that I would need to pull it off and discovered that I would be 213% over budget.

After begging, pleading special circumstances, and wrangling with vendors, I got the whole shebang down to 40% of my allotted budget. I thought: I'm going to be a hero; they're going to name a park after me.

When I pitched my plan to the big boss, he shot me down in under 30 seconds, saying we couldn't spend that much money on an overhead project. I went from flying high to down in flames in nothing flat. Wha?... I thought I had a budget here ...

So I did what anyone would do. I laughed.

That's business sometimes: it's got some hard edges and sudden drops. I'm not worried; it'll all work out, but it looks like there is going to be some wild ride before we're done.

Simple Is Best

Sometimes simple is best.

Take graphics programs. I have a number and have used a number. I know people who can make Vizio diagrams look like a Rembrandt. Me, I was just an average student in art.

I just got Visio installed on my work laptop for some diagrams that need to be generated. Well, I've been generating them all week just fine without it. How do I do it?

Cut-and-paste and mad skillz with the Paint program. Yeah, simple is good sometimes.

In-Sourcing

We had an all-hands meeting at a certain government agency on Friday. The Director gave the spiel and quarterly awards that he had prepared and then opened the floor for questions.

At first there were none, until he mused aloud that the practice of dismissing everyone for the day to "think about the work environment" after the all-hands meeting may be suspended if he didn't get any questions.

A couple of questions trickled in, until I realized that I did have one: what's the deal with all the Federal in-sourcing we've seen lately? Scores of contractor positions have been "federalized"; the ranks of the federal employees has grown, the contractors' has shrunk.

To wit: the Governor of Virginia invited me to get a Government Job.

Please join us on Monday, March 8th for a job fair in Stafford, Virginia.

U.S. Senator Mark Warner is hosting a job fair on Monday, March 8th, for Virginians looking for work in the federal government. The event is free and open to the public.

More than three-dozen federal agencies will participate, including: the Federal Aviation Administration, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, Defense Intelligence Agency, FBI, IRS, the Office of Personnel Management, FEMA, the Peace Corps, the Transportation Security Administration, the Department of Labor, and the U.S. Secret Service.

Here are the details:

DATE: Monday, March 8, 2010

TIME: 9 a.m. - Noon

LOCATION: Univ. of Mary Washington - Stafford campus

College of Graduate and Professional Studies, University Hall

125 University Boulevard, Fredericksburg, VA

For more information, and to RSVP, visit: http://warner.senate.gov/jobsfair

He confirmed what we've heard before: the current President and administration is philosophically disposed towards larger government and this is where the push is coming from. Although there is no "quota" per se, the direction is to identify and convert the positions that are "inherently government functions". I've seen half a dozen of those in my little shop alone last year.

The next statement took me a little by surprise: the follow-on action is to identify positions that provide "near government functions" and federalize those too. What the heck is a "near government function"?

He had no answer for that one. Neither do I.

The Smart Money

Washington D.C. is the kind of town where the local news IS the national news.

Like it or not, the Federal Government is a major player -- in most cases, the only game in town. You either work for the Government or a contractor who supports it. If you happen to be one of those who don't, your neighbor does.

The DC area also tends to be fairly recession resistant (not quite recession-proof) because the Government isn't going anywhere any time soon and spends oodles of money every year.

So to keep and hold a job, you have to be aware of what the trends in Government are. Ten or fifteen years ago, it was fairly easy to get a job with one of the Beltway Bandits (Washington-speak for Federal contractors). The trend was to reduce the size of Government by outsourcing it to contractors. And to some degree that worked.

It was very, very common to go into any Government agency and find that 90% of the jobs were filled by contractors. Only the top management positions were reserved for actual Government employees, since those were the "decision making" positions. So unless you felt compelled to be "in charge", the smart money was on being a Federal contractor.

But just like anything, the pendulum swings. The current administration has begun to absorb those contractor positions back into the Federal bureaucracy. Whether that is due to a general distrust of contractors, or more simply a shift in philosophy on the role of government, or more ominously a tactic to pad the rolls with unionized government employees friendly to Democrats is an open question.

[James Carafano] Today, the Pentagon is busy eliminating 33,000 private-sector workers and replacing them with federal (union) workers. The primary reason for this initiative is a general distrust of contractors. There is little evidence to suggest that the move will either save money or improve operations. Indeed, in most cases the government is just "poaching" the employees from contractors, further gutting the industrial base.

Anecdotally, I have seen half a dozen contractor jobs at my site become "federalized" in the last year alone. So the trend is very real as far as I can tell. In the current "down" economy, everyone is scrambling for the safe jobs; right now that means the Federal Government.

That's where the "smart money" is, if you're the betting kind. I'm not, so I'll stay pat.

Killer App

Everyone's always trying to figure out what the next killer app is going to be: the iPhone, the iPad, Facebook, YouTube, whatever. I've come to realize those things aren't it.

I am.

I probably couldn't go back and show you much from my childhood or young adult days, because those things aren't there any more. Every once in a while I take a particular shine to something that I am willing to go out of my way to enjoy. This is almost certainly the kiss of death; it is soon to be outmoded, outdated, out of print, acquired, canceled, or recycled.

I've been present for the death of six professional companies, four restaurants, three food lines, two bands, and a partridge in a pear tree. Ok, maybe not the partridge. Got a favorite book series? Sorry that's now out of print. Like that podcast? They're off the Net. Cool TV series? Canceled. Getting into that band with the great sound? They've broken up.

Some people say that Milton was a genre killer; any style he wrote in dried up after he published his work. Maybe that's my superpower: I can kill popularity at a distance.

On the other hand, if something new comes out (mouse scroll wheels, social networking apps, Harry Potter, Dan Brown novels, wireless networking, Survivor) and I hate it -- it's gonna be big .

Bank on it.

Office Santa

Some folks at the office were really getting into the holiday spirit. Since this happened in a Government office I'm shocked they got away with it. But since when has the Government let rules get in their way, especially their own?

Never mind that it's still Advent. Heeeeerrrrrrrrrrre's Santa! (and his reindeer!)
And yes, Santa is on a real, movable sleigh. Impressive.

Threw A Brick

Laying brick is hard. Oh, there are any number of videos on YouTube that will show you just how easy brick laying is, and Lowe's wants you to believe that the DIY brick project is definitely within your skill set. But let's face it, if it was that easy, we wouldn't have brick masons.


There really is such a thing as ACME Brick. Sounds cliche, but there it is. My bricks look nothing like this one, but I still thought it was cool. My version of the brick is throwing up an airball while playing basketball, not this grunt work. Mine is a simple job of laying pavers in a small, nearly rectangular area. Should be easy, yes? No!

My mistake was in 1) digging too deep, 2) not measuring depth with a string/snap line, and 3) not back filling in with enough rock base and sand to bring it up to grade. Now my bricks are lower than the grass area around it -- not good. There is nothing like preparation for a job to make it go right, and this is nothing like it.

Sigh. I'll have to dig 'em up again and try again. It's because I have nothing else to do, right?

Unsolicited Praise

That makes twice this month that somebody said they would go out of their way to work with me. I'm not accustomed to that.

I try to be good at what I do in a matter of fact way. Historically, this has bred resentment or jealousy. Now, it may actually be creating ... admiration? I may have to work on how to take a compliment.

I'm advanced enough in my career field that I actually have things I can teach to those who are up and coming. If they're willing to learn, I'm willing to mentor.

That's how I learned it myself. Where is that eager beaver kid now? Excuse me, I have to go count some grey hairs.

Work Vs Study

I've got a week's worth of training classes that I get to do, which of course means I don't have to do my job in the interim.

It's a refreshing change, but like most novelties I don't think I'd want this to be my de facto mode. Learning is hard work if done properly. Most days you don't have to put in hours of unbroken concentration that learning requires. Oh sure, some of our jobs require thinking, but most of it probably doesn't require intense concentration on every little bit.

That's what makes learning so tiring. But for a week or so, it beats working.

Me Toolbuilder

Man is a tool builder. He has been since his earliest days. Using that 3 pounds of gray matter between his ears for something other than a paperweight.

Tools are cool. Guys like tools. Even when the "work" is virtual - on a computer - we still build tools to do it bigger, better, faster, cheaper -- whatever it is, it needs a tool.

I built a tool this week using an Excel spreadsheet and a pile of macros. Makes my work easier, and doggone it, it felt good.

I feel a little caveman coming on: Me build tool. Me like. Ug. Ug.

Absorbed

I've been very absorbed lately.

The last several weeks have been a blur work-wise. It takes most of the intelligent thought out of me, so by the end of the day I've got nothing left. Fortunately, I've reached a plateau where I can take a breath and look about again.

So what do you notice when you don't have time to notice anything? You notice the most insignificant details which your mind catalogs and plays back later. We're talking minutiae here: I noticed that when you spill your drink on the rug, Kleenex isn't very absorbent but toilet paper is.

I noticed that lady's dye job is growing out and the roots are showing. The tourists on the Metro don't know where to stand on the escalator. That kid on the train has the bluest eyes. You need at least 10 good seconds to cross the street in the city without running. Why would you wear flip-flops on the Metro? Won't somebody step on your bare feet? The pain in my temples is because the veins are swollen due to stress. I'm going faster, but not getting anywhere.

A thousand details that don't amount to anything; they're just there taking up space in your day.

On Saturday I stopped -- and went to confession and Mass and remembered the one thing that was important: Him.

Control Your Environment

No, this isn't some deep thinking, soul searching, eco-friendly diatribe.

This is simply about stress: it'll kill you. It's a well worn phrase, you've heard it a thousand times. But here's the thing -- it's true.

I can feel it when it is work-induced: the stress headache, the feeling of being perpetually behind, the acid reflux, upset stomach, constricted breathing.

Thursday's solution was a couple of pints down at the corner pub with some compatriots, followed by Adoration (weird mix, I know).

Friday's solution was early to bed.

Saturday's was good old fashioned yard work and a family outing to the local burger joint, Red Robin, after Mass.

Sunday felt it creeping up again, because I'd brought work home but didn't do any. After dinner, I holed up and attacked a spreadsheet for 4 hours and then begged Mrs. Nod to help me clean the kitchen.

I feel better for having done both; it's not about would be, could be, should be -- it's about feeling in control of something in order to manage the stress. Now I can relax a little before I begin to tackle this week's deadlines.

Manage your stress before it kills you; controlling my environment does it for me. Take a deep breath and try not to care so much about things that are passing ...

A Techie In Sheep's Clothing

For the first time in over 10 years in my professional career my primary platform that I do all my work on is an operating system that I have no control over. Stuck in a Windows-only world without administrator access, with secure policies that I have helped push on others for years.

(Sigh.) O, Linux, Where Art Thou?

I may have to root my own laptop just to remember what it feels like.

But hey, I've got a rubber stamp and a paycheck, so who's complaining?