Truth Challenged

We had one of those incidents that you're not supposed to talk about in polite company. The kind involving kids, body waste, and finger painting.

Uh, yeah, let's just chalk it up to a "tactile phase" and leave it at that. Suffice it to say we needed to get one of the drapes dry cleaned.

I took it to the new Zips that opened up near the house and they said they don't do draperies. So I took it where I get my shirts and pants done and dropped it off. The drapes are linen of some sort, but I've had a linen shirt dry cleaned there before with no problems.

When I got them back, Mrs. Nod hung them up and said, "We have a problem." If you look at the picture here, it's fairly obvious: the right drapes are now 4 inches shorter than they started. The lining is pulled away from the drapes and hangs exposed. The drapes aren't even creased, they've been ironed flat - and not well, because they're still wrinkled in places.

So I took this picture and confronted the dry cleaning lady. I told her these drapes have obviously been washed instead of dry cleaned, and now they're ruined. How would you react? If you're this lady, you start acting like you're at the bazaar haggling for goods.

She immediately insisted they had been dry cleaned because she saw it done herself. (She wasn't even there that morning.) I said it didn't matter since they were ruined. Then she tries to say that dry cleaning sometimes shrinks stuff. (Nope. Not buying it.)

Well, there was a big coffee stain on it, and it had to be pre-treated. Big coffee spills sometimes shrink stuff. (Are you serious? And I suppose coffee shrinks things a nice even 4" across? Besides - that's not coffee.) Well, we can maybe let them out from the top if you have a valence. (Um. No. These are ruined and I'm going to want some money to help replace them.)

Well, we have a policy that limits our liability to 10x the cost of cleaning. (Yes, I'm aware of the policy. Pay up.) Of course, we have to factor in depreciation and wear and tear and stuff. (It's not a car, they're drapes. They just hang there until you take them down. Years even.) Oh, well, since you're my good customer, I'll write you a check. (Make sure you spell my name right.)

What is it about some people that they are so truth challenged even in the face of overwhelming evidence? It truly is incomprehensible to me. I had a receipt and photographic evidence. I don't have the bargaining skills that some of my siblings have, but I do bring a couple of things to the table: deep-seated distrust of people who are trying to take my money, and a willingness to stand there embarrassing you in front of other customers for as long as it takes. My negotiating tactics include: bald faced factual statements and staring at you when you say something stupid until your ears burn with shame.

I'm more inclined to yell and gesture, but since I'm not physically imposing, I've found that a quiet menace is much more unnerving to strangers. I actually lower my voice and deliver it deadpan so that you have to lean forward to hear what I'm saying. This is good, since I don't lose my temper and don't have to go to Confession afterward.

I just want what's equitable. I got some money to replace my drapes -- not nearly enough, but some. And nobody had to get hurt - this time.

Vacation Home

For our vacation on the occasion of my sister's wedding we all stayed at this cute little Cape Cod house -- IF by little you mean a 6,000 sq ft mansion.

The bedrooms were large enough to fit entire branches of the Nod clan in them. We fit two queen size beds, two cribs, a sleeping bag and bedroll, 5 suitcases, and 7 totes into ours and still had room to walk around.

My brother fit his 5 into another bedroom. The one over the 3-car garage holds another 6 beds. The master suite has its own bed, bath, and sitting room. The side porch features a fenced outdoor shower to get off all the sand from the beach. The back porch has 3 seating areas. The living room, dining room, family room, and kitchen were all correspondingly huge.

Maybe we should trade the owner of that house for our modest little abode. Any house that can swallow 25 people without blinking is dying to have Nods in it. Then again, who wants to clean that monstrosity?

That's the kind of place that's nice to visit, but there's no place like home.

Pork Puck And Other Made Up Dishes

When is a pork chop not a pork chop? When it is a ten pound frozen hockey puck, that's when.

In the between times when we're not having a cow, we tend to get our meat in bulk from Costco. In the hustle and bustle of unloading industrial amounts of foodstuffs into our house, the meat may get stuck in the refrigerator temporarily, until it can be divided into smaller amounts and frozen.

As sometimes happens, a couple of days went by and this reapportioning didn't happen. To save the investment, I quickly put the whole package of a dozen boneless pork chops in the freezer.

Fast forward a few weeks, I want pork chops for dinner, only to find the entire package has fused together into one, giant, frozen mass -- plastic, styrofoam tray, meat and all. So I did what any red-blooded male would do.

I hit it with a hammer.

Q: What are those half-moon impressions on my meat, Daddy?
A: Those are called "medallions of pork".

Having successfully hunted my dinner, I proceeded to pan-sear the chops in extra virgin olive oil, rosemary, and orange peel, with a dash of grilling salts. I served it up with Basmati rice that I steamed with raisins, dates, and cloves; and paired with a side of parsnips, mushrooms, and onions sauteed in a loving pat or two of real butter.

It was a flavor adventure. Yum!

Things That Go Bump In The Night

Yeah, but it's not what you think.

It was my plane flight. Thunderstorms. Strong turbulence -- bad enough that the flight attendants had to strap in. We had to circle Denver for an extra 40 minutes, descended, ascended, re-descended, and then had to sit on the tarmac.

I'm not particularly prone to motion sickness, but it was dicey enough that the people to my right and left looked positively green. I almost lost my lunch; the lady across the aisle actually did.

Unsavory.

By comparison, today was great (nothing special happened - yay!)